JUNE/JULY 2005

SEDARATIVES

A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN

by Amy Sedaris

Dear Amy,

I was upset to hear about the death of Ricky (your imaginary boyfriend). However, now that you have new single status, could we pretend that I am your imaginary stalker?

Yours truly,
Robert

Dear Robert,

I am going to pretend that what you sent me was an imaginary letter.

Amy

*

Dear Amy:

I want to be a fireman someday. I already have a fireman’s uniform. Also, I’ve been practicing with a garden hose. But my parents don’t think it’s a good idea to be a fireman because of my asthma. Should I listen to them?

Kevin, age 8
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Dear Kevin,

Why don’t you practice by setting a few rather large fires in your neighborhood? Find an abandoned warehouse and set it ablaze. Or better yet, burn down a coach house. Not only is it fun, but you can practice putting out the fires with the equipment you’ve started collecting. If you manage to save the buildings, then you’re probably cut out to be a fireman. If you go into an asthmatic fit and have to be hospitalized, or get covered in third-degree burns and end up spending the rest of your life being fed by a tube, then maybe your parents were right after all. But you’ll never know until you try.

Amy

*

In the coming months, each edition of Amy’s advice column will deal with a specific theme. For August, she’ll be tackling issues pertaining to cooking. Please send your cooking-related questions to [email protected].

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

To read the full piece, please purchase a copy of the magazine from The McSweeney’s Store.

Amy Sedaris is an acclaimed career waitress who occasionally writes and performs when her schedule permits. Her new movie, Strangers With Candy, will be out in theaters in October. She lives alone with her rabbit, Dusty, in New York City.


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