SEDARATIVES

A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN

by Amy Sedaris
THIS MONTH’S TOPIC: COOKING

Dear Amy,

Someone told me once that pasta is done when you can throw it at a wall and it sticks. Considering how thrilling and dangerous this cooking feat is, would you know of any other things that should be thrown at walls?

Jeffrey Robertson Alford
South Hadley, Mass.

Dear Jeffrey,

Try chicken skin on stucco, battered shrimp on the windshield of a moving car, a hot hush puppy on a bald head, or an angry live cat on the back of a sleeping guest. Oh, and you can also try sticking a pin through the rubber end of a dart gun and firing it at a stranger’s back.

Amy

*

Dear Amy,

My Mexican-American girlfriend cooks tortillas right on the stove. She uses no buffer—no pan, no skillet—nothing between the tortilla and flame. The taste is far superior to the mushy microwave alternative. I just worry about her safety. Is this an acceptable cooking practice?

Rick Stoeckel
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Rick,

Wasn’t this exact question already answered almost two hundred years ago at the battle of the Alamo? Check your history books, Rick! My God, how many Texans have to die just so you can reach a simple culinary understanding with your Mexican-American girlfriend? Mexican-American? Is that right, Rick? Perhaps I’ll have the border guard look into it. Adios, Rick.

Amy

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Amy Sedaris is an acclaimed career waitress who occasionally writes and performs when her schedule permits. Her new movie, Strangers With Candy, will be out in theaters in October. She lives alone with her rabbit, Dusty, in New York City.


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