A monthly advice column
This month: guest columnist Marc Maron
My mother-in-law hates me, but that’s not really my problem. I think I’m developing a crush on her boyfriend. Is that too weird? How soon should I tell my wife about these feelings, if at all? And is there a chance this has something to do with why my mother-in-law hates my guts?
Santa Fe, N. Mex.
You’ve got a lot of things going on here, on a lot of levels. Generally, when family is involved and there is so much unsaid, it is best just to come out with it abruptly and without provocation in the middle of a holiday dinner. It might even be good to offer to say a prayer before the meal and do a gratitude-confessional thing. The worst that can happen is that the meal turns into a mess of emotional chaos and everyone, for their own reasons, leaves the table and you are left alone eating your last supper as the man you were and yourfirst supper of your new life with the muted sounds of crying and yelling drifting in from other rooms.
My wife left me for another woman, and though I think I should feel terrible about this, my friends tell me that I shouldn’t take it personally. She isn’t rejecting me, she’s rejecting all men. I suppose they have a point, but am I wrong to think that I was dumped for reasons that have nothing to do with my penis?
H. V. Bewley
New York, N.Y.
Dear H. V.,
The sad truth is that she was probably gay going in and you seemed like enough of a lesbian for her to try to snap out of what she hoped was a phase. I say get rid of the penis and try to get her back. You can do that now. I saw it in a special on HBO.
We hope you enjoy this excerpt.
To read the full piece, please purchase a copy of the magazine from The McSweeney’s Store.