Dear Sedaratives,

I love James Patterson thrillers, but whenever my friends catch me reading one of his books, they give me a look like it’s Gang Bang Trannies. Should I give up on my guilty pleasure and choke down more Don DeLillo and Thomas Pynchon, or get less judgmental friends?

Chad P.
Richton Park, Ill.

Dear Chad,

I can’t believe you would make up such a convoluted story just so you could reference Thomas Pynchon and Don DeLillo in the same sentence. Nice work, douchebag.

I am also personally insulted by your mockery of Gang Bang Trannies. I’ll have you know that it’s the greatest fictional depiction of polyamory since Little Women II, Louisa May Alcott’s harrowing follow-up about four lesbian midgets who fuck one other in post–Civil War New England.

Why would you write to a magazine and ask a question about books? Do you think I’d write a letter to The Five People You Meet in Heaven asking Mitch Albom if I should continue to read XXL? Actually, that’s a poor example. Have you read Tuesdays with Morrie? That guy could answer anything. Now that I think about it, you should probably try to get his advice.

Morgan