A monthly advice column
This month: guest columnist Martha Plimpton
I really enjoy a nice peach, but I’ve been finding that they’re too embarrassing to eat in public. Do you have any tips on how this most mighty of fruits can be munched upon and my dignity remain intact?
I’m glad you asked this. Women should never do anything in public that will upset the gentle facade of femininity that makes them attractive to potential husbands. I keep telling women this, and they don’t listen, because they aren’t very bright. Eating, talking, moving the muscles in your face in any way other than to produce a visage of contented adoration, pooping: these are everyday common mistakes women make that keep them alone and ensure their solitude in old age. If you want to find a husband, eat a banana, seductively, using your tongue a lot, with no shirt on. Hope this helps!
My aunt and uncle are filthy rich. They buy Jet Skis and imported Italian wine and Ferraris and Cohibas. They’re old and wrinkly and I’m young and hunky. But somehow, they’ve got all the material wealth and I’ve got squat. Any suggestions for sabotaging their lives and stealing their money?
Poor in Pottawatomie County, Kans.
Dear Poor in,
You’re a horrible person, but I like you, so I’m going to give you some advice: First of all, you’ve got it backward. If you sabotage your rich relatives’ lives before you steal their money, they won’t have any money to steal, because you will have already sabotaged their lives, which will lead to moneylessness. Are you following me? You have to understand certain things if you’re going to be a greedy bastard. Also, I need more information. You see, I have some diamond certificates tied up in a Nigerian bank account, and in order to withdraw them the bank requires a U.S. bank routing number and $50,000. For your help I will gladly reimburse you and your aunt, plus pay you 50 percent of my diamond wealth, which is roughly $8,397,432.27. What is your aunt’s email address?
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