Dear Sedaratives,

I’ve heard that you can legally buy marijuana if you have glaucoma. I’d like to avoid optic nerve damage, as anything on or around my eyes kinda creeps me out. Are there non-eyeball diseases that would allow me to smoke government-sanctioned weed?

Thanks,
Sandy
Modesto, Calif.

Dear Sandy,

You’ve asked a very intriguing question. Right now, in the great state of California, there are many ailments that doctors will treat with weed: back pain, anxiety, that time of the month, etc., etc. Some lesser-known ailments include: being bitten by a fruit bat (let’s face it, if you’ve been bitten by a poodle-size bat, you need to get high fast so you can laugh about it), being dead (8 percent of marijuana users are zombies, thus explaining their slow walk and lack of jobs), and being haunted by a ghost (if you walk into a doctor’s office and yell, “The ghosts won’t get out of my head!” what serious professional won’t hook you up with some ganja immediately?).

Adam