Dear Sedaratives,

I have a problem. My boyfriend borrowed my cat for a slumber party and is now refusing to return him. It’s been over a month. I go over there enough that it’s not really a big deal, but I miss owning this animal. How can I make the cat come back without having a violent domestic dispute?

Lumpy’s owner

Dear Lumpy’s owner,

Why on earth would you let your boyfriend borrow your cat for a slumber party? Does this even make sense to you? I can tell you why the cat will never return to you. The cat has been exposed to homoeroticism, and having now been exposed to this lifestyle with a group of young teenage boys, he is likely unable to return to your home and live a normal life.

The boyfriend is not keeping the cat hostage. What has happened is this cat, now addicted to the sweet nectar of homo deviant sexual behavior, is unable to reenter society. I would say you shouldn’t visit your cat, because it will only bring heartache. As the cat’s need for more and more stimulating sexual adventures increases, you may find that he begins to peruse gay nightclubs and bars, and soon this could lead to a life of prostitution and drugs. That’s right, drugs. You need to forget this cat, and get yourself a new, wholesome cat that has not been tainted by a wild night of slumber-party games that involve prepubescent boys and a stick.

Tough break, kid. Next time someone says “Hey, can I borrow your cat for a slumber party?” I hope you’ll think twice before ruining another feline life.

Aasif