A Monthly Advice Column
This month: guest columnist Mike Doughty
We’re thinking about ordering a pizza, but it just seems like such a boring, predictable meal. Are we overthinking it?
Shannon and Linda
Dear Shannon and Linda,
There’s something about pizza in the South which is really interesting. You have to do this kind of cognitive disconnect from your Grecian ideal of pizza and think about it more along the lines of bread-item with cheese-and-tomato stuff, and then it’s quite enjoyable. Are you aware of this practice of putting ranch dressing on pizza? I assure you, it’s everything it sounds like. I was introduced to it by a travel agent who was hanging out in my motel room. She had just gotten her belly button pierced and her midsection was wrapped in cellophane. She said her piercer had forbidden her to have sex for a month for sanitary reasons, and I, having taken quite seriously the no-means-no stuff I heard in college in the late ’80s, took this as gospel. But in retrospect, I think she wanted to sleep with me, she just wanted some kind of minor stricture to break in the process. Or maybe she wanted me to beg.
We hope you enjoy this excerpt.
To read the full piece, please purchase a copy of the magazine from The McSweeney’s Store.