A Monthly Advice Column
This month: guest columnist Paul Scheer
My boyfriend wants to get another tattoo on his arm, completing what he’s calling a “full sleeve.” I’m a little worried about this. I’ve seen those old navy guys with tattoos so blue they look likebruises. In another thirty years, is my boyfriend going to look like he has leprosy?
If your boyfriend wants to get a full sleeve, I suggest he get a tattoo of an actual shirtsleeve. That way he’ll be fulfilling his need for ink and your need to be with someone presentable in public. For example, not only do I have shirtsleeves tattooed on both of my arms, but I also have cargo pants tattooed on my legs and thighs, so I’m never not dressed. As far as looking like a bruised navy guy, every dude will look like that someday. That’s just a fact.
I just adopted a pair of adorable pugs, and I’m thinking about naming them after characters from The Magic Flute, Papageno and Papagena. My wife claims this is pretentious and that nobody will getthe reference. Who’s right?
New York, N.Y.
Dear Opera Lover,
I have bad news for you. Your wife is a robot sent from the future to kill you. Her fatal flaw is not “getting” pretentious pop-culture references. Eliminate her immediately! Save yourself and humanity!
We hope you enjoy this excerpt.
To read the full piece, please purchase a copy of the magazine from The McSweeney’s Store.