A Monthly Advice Column
This month: guest columnist Sarah Thyre
I’ve heard that women always look at a guy’s shoes first. Is that true? And if it is, what kind of shoes do chicks prefer?
Actually, chicks look at a man’s earlobes first, to see how big they already are, and mentally calculate how much larger they will get with age. Have you ever looked at an old man’s earlobes? You’d be hard-pressed to find a more horrifying presage of your own imminent decline and death. Chicks don’t like to be reminded of such things. Chicks’re funny like that. Remember: you can’t spell chick without ick.
Back to your big, doughy earlobes. On first dates, tape them up a bit. Then, as your chick falls more deeply in love with you, gradually let them down. Funnily enough, this is what chicks do with the hems of their skirts to catch a man. They start off in miniskirts and by the time you’re walking down the aisle—bang—floor-length gown. Chicks are wily like that.
Oh, Allen. I feel like I know you. Did we date? Don’t worry, I’m sure the tape method will work with your lumpy, gigantic, pulsating earlobes.
P.S. Chicks love shoes that look like baked potatoes, or any other carb.