Dear Sedaratives,
Will you propose to my girlfriend for me? Her name’s Susan. She always reads this column. Tell her Geoff loves her and wants to marry her, but make it sound classy. Thanks!
Geoff B.
Seattle, Wash.

Dear Geoff,
I will try my best. Here goes…

YO SUE! FUCKIN MARRY ME ALREAD—

Psych! Here’s the real one:

Susan,

If you are reading this then you should know that there is a man on this planet who knows you better than anyone else. His name is Geoff. He loves you and wants to marry you. I think you should. First of all, his name is Geoff. That is a cool name. It doesn’t look like how it sounds. Which is interesting and not boring. Just like Geoff. Secondly, he lives in Seattle. I was lucky enough to work there once for a couple months and it’s such an awesome city. It’s beautiful and the food is great. It’s so awesome that I actually plan on naming my first dog Seattle because I loved it that much. I hope to get this dog soon. Anyways, I have a good feeling about Geoff. He seems like a classy dude. Will you marry him? Also, is he a doctor, by any chance? I woke up this morning with some kind of bites or a rash. It’s freaking me out.

Aubrey

Was that OK? I hope she says yes. I’m really bad at this. Name your kid after me. It can be a boy’s or a girl’s name. It means “ruler of the elves.” Seriously.
Aubrey