Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Andy Borowitz

Dear Sedaratives,

I shave my head but I’m not bald. Nobody seems to believe me. When did a shaved head become the new comb-over?

Alex Sullivan
Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Dear Alex,

You raise an interesting historical question: when did a shaved head become the new comb-over? Certainly not in 1979, when Persis Khambatta played the shiny-pated Lieutenant Ilia in the first Star Trek movie and ignited no speculation about the plentitude of her follicles. Nor was it in the ’80s and ’90s, which spawned such high-profile cue balls as Sinead O’Connor and Vin Diesel. I think you have to jump all the way to the early part of this century for your answer: the suspicious midlife deforestation of Hollywood moguls Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen.

Andy

*

Dear Sedaratives,

I had an abortion last year and made the mistake of telling my mother. She told me that if Mary had had an abortion, there never would’ve been a Jesus. I thought about it later and realized she’s right. Long story short, my libido is gone. Any tips on how I can enjoy sex again?

Lindsay S
Denver, Colo.

Dear Lindsay,

Generally speaking, it’s hard to have an orgasm if you’re thinking about Jesus, Mary, and your mother. I mean, I’m sure your mother is sexy in her own way, but you shouldn’t be thinking about her if you’re trying to come anytime soon. It sounds like you need a surefire turn-on to get back in the game. Have you ever done a guy with a shaved head? Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll hook you up.

Andy

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Andy Borowitz is a writer and comedian whose work appears in the New Yorker, the New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.

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