Sedaratives

A monthly advice column

This month: guest columnist Mindy Kaling

Dear Sedaratives,

I read somewhere that dolphins are the only animals (besides humans) who engage in gang rape. Is that true? And if it is, should I remove the dolphin posters from my daughter’s bedroom walls?

Sincerely,
D. Sachs
Pittsburgh, Pa.

Dear D.,

I am facing a similar situation. My teenage son fancies himself an artist. To that end, he has hung up a very unsettling print by M.C. Escher on his wall. There’s just something about a hand drawing itself that I find unsavory. But you have given me a great idea. I am going to tell my son that M.C. Escher was a rapist.

Thanks,
Mindy

*

Dear Sedaratives,

I recently discovered that my fiancé is a cat burglar. I have no problem dating a criminal, but does he have to use such ridiculous 1950s terminology? I imagine him going to work dressed in a black turtleneck and an eye mask and a bag with a big dollar sign written on the side flung over his shoulders. How should I tell him that I’m losing all respect for him?

Katie L.
Grand Rapids, Mich.

Dear Katie,

I’m sorry, but I stopped reading after I read the word fiancé. Lady, what are you trying to prove? Does the word fiancé need to be used, ever? Boyfriend or serious boyfriend suffices just fine. People who drop French words like fiancé or joie de vivre are the real criminals, not your interesting-sounding boyfriend.

Mindy

We hope you enjoy this excerpt.

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Mindy Kaling is a writer, actor, and producer for NBC’s The Office. She cowrote and costarred in the hit off-Broadway play Matt & Ben, which won the New York International Fringe Festival’s Best Play prize. She played an object of unwanted affection in both The 40 Year Old Virgin and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

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